IN SEARCH OF NIJINKSY
Work in progress, Started in November 2023 | About
‘In Search of Nijinsky’ is a personal quest into the inner world of Vaslav Nijinsky, one of the most influential dancers of the 20th century. What began as a fascination with his extraordinary dance abilities—how he used his body to convey emotions and tell stories—has evolved into a deeper exploration of his mental state, particularly during the period surrounding his diagnosis of schizophrenia and the time he spent in various clinics until his death.
The images I create serve as metaphors for the complexities of the human brain—the disorder, disruption, and vulnerability that often remain invisible to the outside world, much like how mental health issues are frequently overlooked. Nijinsky's diaries, written shortly before his admission to a psychiatric clinic, reveal a flow of unstructured thoughts, as if the words poured directly from his pen, unfiltered. The sincerity and intensity of his writing remind me of how he might have danced—without restraint, fully in the moment. There are no moving images of these performances, only descriptions and a handful of photographs.
My project is not a documentary, nor an informative account of Nijinsky's life. Those stories have already been told. Instead, I aim to capture the loneliness and inner struggles that followed his public life. It is an attempt to understand what was happening in his mind when his body was no longer his primary instrument. Did he still dream of dancing? Did his thoughts move in rhythms and leaps, as his body once had?
This project is a search for recognition, for understanding, for a moment of silence amidst the chaos. A moment when we no longer have to pretend everything is normal but can briefly surrender to the truth of what is going on within us.
When I started my Nijinsky project, I went to Nancy in France to meet up with Lorenzo, an Italian dancer I had met in the Netherlands during a backstage shoot with DDDD (De Dutch Don’t Dance Division, The Hague).
When I thought about how I wanted to capture Nijinsky, Lorenzo came to mind, and I decided to visit him. At the time, I had no clear idea of what I wanted to photograph or how, but for me, it works best when I just start. I call that sketching.
We photographed for two days. A few of the images immediately struck a chord with me. Now that I am further along in the process and have a clearer sense of what I want to convey, I am revisiting the photos I took back then.
May 13 | 2023
I couldn’t sleep last night. Nijinsky kept haunting my thoughts, among other things. What is it that fascinates me so much? And what am I really looking for? I thought about Artur Japin and his book. I also read an interview with him online about the book and why he wanted to write it. The funny thing is, I discovered through that interview that Japin had danced and attended drama school. In that, we share a similar background. We also share a fascination with going mad. Growing up in a family where mental health issues were not unfamiliar, this strikes a chord with me. After reading the diaries written by Nijinski himself, I wondered whether he ever danced again or used his body to express his language of movement. I got an answer to this question too because, in the interview, it’s mentioned that once, in the hallway outside his room, he suddenly leapt in front of the journalists before sinking back into silence. In a moment of impulse, I sent Mr. Japin a message, hoping he might share his knowledge with me. I didn’t hear back.
movement language, eys, soldiers, leap, gravity dogs, rush, lost, anxiety, madness, genius, lonely, god
“I am not an ape, I am a man. The world has been created by God. Man has been created by God. It is not possible for man to understand God - God understands God. Man is God and therefore understands God. I am God. I am a man. I am good and not a beast. I am an animal with reason. I have flesh, I *am* flesh, I am not descended from flesh. Flesh is created by God. I am God. I am God. I am God.”
~Vaslav Nijinsky, The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky (1919)
September 9 | 2024
As I create the images for this project, I find myself increasingly wondering if I am actually capturing my own frustrations, fears, and madness, rather than his. The boundary between his world and mine is blurring, and at times that makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps, in the end, the entire project is a reflection of my own psyche, my own struggle to be understood, and to give form to what remains unspoken. Still, I feel that this struggle—both Nijinsky’s and my own—reveals something significant about the human experience, about how we try to hold on to our sense of identity amid chaos, and the invisible battles we fight within our minds. In a burning world, where wars rage and people kill one another, the inner conflicts of a single person may seem insignificant. But just as with Nijinsky’s eyes—the eyes of soldiers he drew shortly before his confession, eyes that faced the darkness within humanity—I see in this project an attempt to understand that darkness, both his and mine.
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