TREADING WATER

Diptych | 2024

“I walk down the street, everything around me seems to be moving three times faster or I'm going slower... The pavement beneath me is unstable, like an ultra-slow treadmill at Schiphol Airport. The sounds are deafening. It feels like I'm walking through a tunnel while my heart pounds in my chest. Sweat beads on my forehead. I want to get away from here, but I can't. Fresh air, space! I grab onto the bridge and take a moment to catch my breath. My heart rate slowly decreases. The station is still 100 meters away. I feel like crying, but I hold it in. I can't just cry in the middle of the street, can I? Luckily, I'm wearing my sunglasses. I walk as fast as I can with my head down, or else I'll get dizzy. Platform 10a, reached! The train is still empty. I sit down and try to catch my breath.”

I wrote this on May 26, 2017. It was my first panic attack. I had just been diagnosed with burnout. Since then, I've never fully recovered and the panic still come over me regularly.

This works depicts the overwhelming wave of chaos and storm in body and mind that someone can experience during a panic attack.

In collaboration with: Saskia de Vries